Lee hadn't exited his house in four days when I saw him draw back the hot air balloon-printed curtain and peek out his front door at Fox and I, quickly releasing it when he saw my glance. Three minutes later he stepped onto his front landing wearing an unbuttoned shirt and a knit toboggan. The shirt seemed like a tiny rag hanging from his shoulders, gathering under his arms framing his protuberant belly.

A week ago his hot water heater stopped working and he came over to my house to take a "whores bath", which we called a "bird bath" in my house, but when you think about the key body parts in the process, "whores bath" is a more apt title. After he had rinsed his hair and put his clothes back on, Lee opened the door while he shaved and chatted. He hadn't put his belt back on yet, and I was shocked to see the impossible angle his belly created where it returned to his hip. The bottom of his overhanging belly was parallel with the floor, and created a sharp, right angle with his hip bone. Don't worry. I didn't stare. One glance and I will never forget the sight. Even when I was carrying a nine and a half pound baby Fox in my belly it wasn't that big. Why do some men have such off the chain bellies?

Lee scratched and stretched, then disappeared back into his house, reemerging with a steaming cup of coffee and a "rolly", which is a hand rolled cigarette. He slowly approached Fox and I, stopping here and there to look around at the wind blowing the trees. He had buttoned his shirt and I could tell that that particular shirt was soon becoming an openly wearable only type; the buttons were all mismatched colors at the midsection and they seemed to be under a great deal of strain.

I was pushing Fox on his swing and he was screaming so he didn't hear Lee approach. I noticed that Lee had something shoved in his back pocket that was making him walk funny.

"So do yall have one uh them VHS players or what?", Lee barked as if he had already asked me twenty times before. He pulled the item out of his pocket and it was a cover less VHS tape entitled "Winterland Scooby Doo" I told him that we did, and he went on to explain that he had bought that tape from "a guy who was hurtin with his rent" for Fox.

"It's pretty cool. I done watched it. Thares a few stories on 'at one tape an one's a Christmas-type story, an the rest are, well I wont give it away. It's CLEAN anyway"
Well that was a relief! I was wondering if he meant that it was a physically clean tape and relatively germ-free, or if he was referring to the content of the movie.

Fox had realized Lee was amidst and had began yelling Lee's name over and over. Lee pushed him for a while, then proclaimed, "I sware I could'uh cut'chore hair straighter with uh pan-knife than what 'at woman did! An how much you paid'er?"

I told him that we had traded goods for services, and he seemed satisfied. After I got my hair cut he started calling me by a different name. Something that sounded like "Asian-ninine". I had no idea what he was saying, and he was drunk. After realizing that he was doing it on purpose, not of disorientation I finally asked him why.

"You look like 'at spy Agent 99! You know! From 'at ol spy movie Get Smart!?" I lied and told him that I knew what he was talking about, relieved that he wasn't being derogatory towards Asian people.

Lee asked us what we were going to do today, and I said that since we were both under the weather that we would likely stick around the house and enjoy the warm temperatures. He said "em doctors say y'need at least fifteen minits'uh sunshine per day or you'll get all..." Lee was making the universal sign for crazy; winding his finger around and around right beside his head, and I told him that I believed it whole-heartedly.

6/25/2008 Raw Meat Eye

The other day I was gathering things in preparation for an afternoon excursion to Kroger while Fox busily assaulted the earth with a socket wrench. As I loaded the last of the recycling into my truck, all hell suddenly broke loose. Fox was using the wrench as a hammer and somehow clocked himself in the face resulting in an immediate textbook shiner. He screamed till his face was as purple as his eye while I hugged and cuddled him. We went back inside to get a sock full of ice and when I opened the chest freezer he got distracted, marking the end of the crying spell.
We left the house for the second time, and as soon as Fox saw the lone socket wrench he wiggled free and retrieved the tool. Within seconds he was back to hammering dirt with the wrench, but this time with a more external swing, bringing his arm up above his head instead of towards his face.
At this moment I noticed Lee standing at his mailbox with his back towards us. He had a cup of what I assumed was coffee, and his button up shirt was left unbuttoned, protuberant belly shining in the noon-day sun.
Considering his recent wounding disturbance, I let Fox play a little bit more before I strapped him into his car seat. Lee wandered over and wished us a good morning, then asked what I had done to make "aat boy cry like at"?
I explained what had happened and Lee assessed the damage. He praised Fox's bravery and tough-ness, then recommended that I tape a piece of raw meat to his black eye while he slept.
I asked if it was a remedy to keep the swelling down, and he told me
"what-cha do is get cha sum uh that chicken fried steak an take yuh a little scrap an jus tape it to is eye overnight. It'll keep is eye frum a-turnin black"
I said that I would wait and see how it looked when we got back from the store, loaded Fox up and drove away.
Is there anyone out there who would consider taping raw meat to a toddlers face? Do people still do that sort of thing, despite 'potentially bacteria-laden meat on a mucous membrane' red flags flying everywhere you look?
The bump never really evolved into a full blown shiner, but not because I put raw meat on it.