I'm venting

Lee has been 100% reflective of these trying times. A few weeks ago his buddy, T for short, came by and told Lee that his wife was in the hospital for a chronic breathing problem and she had to quit smoking. T is an undaunted, life smoker, and at anytime he has a cigarette in his hand and at least one unopened pack in his breast pocket. He carries a pistol, uses only cash, and went to jail for his involvement in a cock fighting ring. A tough type of man who I was shocked to discover was married.

Lee was upset by the news and vowed to T that he was going to quit smoking. When he was recounting this tale to me he explained that she wasn't going to make it if she couldn't quit smoking, and that the doctors wouldn't even treat her if she continued. I asked if the doc had prescribed patches to help her quit, and Lee said; "Oh yeah, T said he give'er th' reel strong wuns an put 'em all over her back" He motioned helplessly towards the sky, then put his hand to his forehead, shaking his head. Lamenting about how though he had only met her once, she seemed like a nice person and she had a really nice car that she made payments on "ever'month on time" and was real good to T. Then in a defeated kind of voice he said, "so Jill since I'm quittin an'all lemme get a few uh them Camels" I said "But you are quitting, right?" Angrily he boomed back in a condescending draw, "Yeah that's what I'm a'sayin! I'm tryin' t'quit but I've been smoking since I was a kid probably forty years so's I can't just stop! Ya can't just stop when you been smokin that long Jill!"

I reluctantly gave him one cigarette and told him he could get some patches. He tried to be appreciative of the single I had given him and chuckling said "I figure I can get me one [cigarette] here er there an use 'at cigarette money tuh get an extra bag uh gange an uh pint more uh t'at moo moo ever'month!"

The next evening he came over while we were eating dinner. We were having spaghetti and meatballs and I was having a glass of wine. Lee entered carrying a paper package like a pizza and he had a huge knife in his back pocket. The first thing that he said (yelled) was "Oh hell! Jill's already on the alcohol! DAYYAM!" Laughing loudly as his eyes darted around the kitchen, I told him that he could have a glass of it if he wanted and aimed him toward the box that it came in. "naw thanks you know I can't drink 'at red wine. I gotta have my moo moo! (laughter) At'stuff gives me heartburnacid'n'digestion. Caint drink it. What I'gotta have is that good, clean moonshine my cussins make" Lee then brought the paper bag carefully up to face level and said "All right now guess what I've brought chall! Don't chall never say I don't bring yuh nuthin cuz I do. You know I've been helpin' feed them kids" With a Vanna White-esque motion he waved his hand over the package, then inserted it into the bag. With a shaky hand he removed a frozen key lime pie and honked a noise alerting us of a prize being won. Fox immediately asked if it was chocolate, and after learning it wasn't he said; "you can have that icy pie cause I like chocolate pie".

Never being a big fan of non-chocolate desserts myself either, I said "hmm. Thanks Lee" Very animatedly Lee pulled the butcher knife from his back pocket, put the pie on the table in the middle of our supper, and hacked it in two, returning part into the mystical paper bag. Glancing down at my children Lee asked "Hey Jill where you keeping those things?" He then started feeling around above the hutch to the secret place I stash my smokes. I shot him a dirty look as he took a handful of cigarettes and stuffed them into his pocket. Fox said "what was that Lee??? What did you take??" Lee laughed and acted like he was some sort of magician and said something like "Oh hell Foxy you can't get by old Lee, hehehe!! You ain't seen nothin did'ge? You'll NEVER get one by me son!"

I didn't try to hide my annoyance with him; Lee is well aware that I hide my smoking from my children, and that I usually have a pack for a month, smoking only if they're not around. He smokes the shittiest, dirtiest, hand-rolling tobacco available, and he smokes constantly. He has zero tact about taking other people's cigarettes and I've watched him smoke twelve out of a woman's pack while she wasn't paying attention, then take the remaining one when he left. Jason admitted that he had given Lee cigarettes a few times over the past week. He said that the first few times he offered him one which he immediately smoked as he and Jason were talking, then asked for "one more for th'road", which Jason obliged, for some reason. Then later when Lee outright insisted on his giving him 2 Jason refused and tried to explaining that he was smoking more of my stash than I was. Jason said Lee was indignant and insinuated that we were being stingy then tried to recount all of the blessings he had bestowed upon us. Jason stopped him and told him that he had bought that pack two weeks prior for almost six bucks and that I had only smoked three of the whole pack. He then held the pack to show Lee that there were four or five left and clarified that Lee had smoked them all. Then reminded him that he was supposed to be quitting. In honor of T's wife.

A few days ago Lee walked across the street and threw a filthy laundry basket into my yard. "Here ye go Jill! I thought you cud'use a basket for warshin' all them clothes. I had sum bike motor parts in'thar an that's what that is. Oil. Jus needs tuh be warshed out"

I told him that I owned four (non-oily) laundry baskets and I didn't need that one. He ignored me and walked off so I put it into my recycling bin so the kids didn't touch it and get even oilier. A few days later I noticed Lee had removed the basket from the recycling bin, fashioned it into a basketball goal and attached it to a tree in his yard. He had also taken a few loads of gravel from our parking area and leveled the area beneath the goal, and taken a few loads of mulch from our mulch pile for the surrounding area. When I returned from the YMCA he had dragged an old piece of linoleum to cover the mulch and gravel, and was standing there bouncing a ball, proud as hell.

We got out of the car and Lee said "Look'et whut I done! This is whar' th'NBAs is gonna be yall!" The kids looked at Lee bouncing the ball and shooting for a while. Fox retrieved the ball for Lee a couple of times before it rolled down our road, then said "Look Lee! The ball will roll all the way down the road when you miss"

Later that day Lee had gathered some cable left in the ditch by the telephone company and made a zig-zagged barrier just behind the goal post. When Fox saw it he was thrilled. "Nice halloween decoration Lee!! It needs a big black spider in the middle of it and a mummy!", Fox yelled. By this time Lee had begun to think he was being made fun of by a child and started for the ball. Fox was singing "spider man, spi-der man" to the tune of the A-Team song, and climbing on the cord mesh, tight rope style. "Foxy git'off thare! Aat's all th'wire I could find down thar an if you break it AIT'S IT" At that moment the volleyball sized knot Lee had tied slipped and Fox tumbled onto the cushy linoleum pad. The tension in the web was lost, shitty cords draped lifelessly around the trees.

Lee had began yelling and continued through the course of the spectacle; total devastation crusted on his face, and seemed ruined as Fox pulled his shoe off to free himself of the cable. "Say you're sorry Fox" I ordered. "Sorry Lee. I can help you fix it cause I've got seven bungee cords and some of mom's yarn", Fox offered, then sprinted away. Lee couldn't remain angry.

Here's a super spooky picture:

This bag wants to party

A couple of weeks ago Lee came over to my house, boisterous and jovial, bearing a pint jar of moonshine and some odd, food pantry items. His cousins had finished another batch of liquor, and life was good again.

After insisting that I try a sip, he explained that he was afraid that Jason was going to poison me with the muscadine wine "he'd mixed up" and that he wanted me to have "sumthin' good-n-safe t'drank on"

As it happened, Jason and I were bottling the wine that very night, and had a few people over to try it in it's youth. We had a total of 10 liters of wine in the house, and no one was interested in mixing wine and moonshine. (again)

Pretending to sip the moonshine, I expressed my approval and thanked Lee for the pantry gifts. (instant mashed potatoes, powdered milk, gravy mix, rice, THREE POUNDS of dried cherries). I was not surprised to find out later that all of the food had been donated by the Methodist church's food pantry to Lee's friend, who then brought it to Lee in exchange for some substance.. and after Lee took the items he was interested in ("sum lederhosen sausages, a couple'uh'em corn cake mixes, an sum beefaroni cans") he passed the rest to us in a care package. Oh yeah, there was also a new dish towel in the box. ?

Lee crossed the street to his house where his friends had arrived, and we heard every elevated word exchanged between them for the rest of the night.

The next day, Lee didn't emerge till sometime after 3:30pm when he was seen rinsing something in the faucet outside of his house. Fox and I were working in the yard while Rainer napped, and I was glad Lee didn't come explain what was going on. Every time he comes within 10 feet of the house while Rainer is sleeping she wakes up, and most of his "morning-after" stories include an assessment of last night's libations based on his morning bowel movement. Information I could do without.

A few hours later Lee knocked on the door and was clearly drunk. He asked to borrow a can of tomatoes, told me he loved me, then went back to his house where there were four or five cars parked.

Jason and I had dinner, got the kids to bed, and were preparing to go to bed ourselves when I heard noises on the porch and Lee's trademark knock.

Lee bounded into the house as if one Leg was longer than the other, and started speaking in a tongue similar to that of an auctioneer at a barnyard auction. I cringed, imagining the kids were fearing the end of the world, and gestured for Lee to lower his voice.

"Five dollars! Here, take it, take this!!"

Lee was waving a ten dollar bill at me, aiming it towards my hand and jerking his head in the direction of the kitchen.

"Listen! Listen Jeel. Here's five dollar, YOU give ME a five an that moo moo I give yee. Y'hear me? I give you five, YOU give ME five, an at's for the moo moo"

His instructions became more frantic and quantitative; involving on the spot estimates about the cost of a pint of moonshine (based on the $25/a jar figures) and his level of intoxication became evident.

Still unclear about his intentions, I was able to determine that it was the moonshine he had given me in the care package that he wanted. Still untouched, I retrieved it from the freezer and gave it to him, refusing the "five" ten dollar bill in his hand.

His demeanor shifted, and his hands met each other as if in prayer.

"Thank ye Jeel! Man, I dropped my lass jar uh moo moo an I'm in the middle uh partyin! I thought I'd killed it then membered bout th pint I give ye. I giv'ye five dollars for it, but I jus got a ten."

Ah. The $5/$10 conundrum became clear to me. I told him that I didn't have cash and to just keep it, that he had given it to me so it was mine to give away, but he refused. He left the ten on the mantle and returned to his party.

The next day Lee was full of apologies, and I insisted that it was perfectly fine, but he felt guilty about taking the gift back.

"I'll make it up to you Jeel. Somehow".

Sunday Lee came to the door with a huge smile on his face and a wadded bag in his hand. Unable to contain his excitement, he pulled a jar of maraschino cherries from the wad, and handed it to me in the manor of handling the holy grail.
In a hilarious, sarcastic tone Lee exclaimed;

"Check it out Asian Ninenine! I tole you I'd get cha'back! These'll be ready to eat in three days. They'll be RIGHT!"

I thanked him for the moonshine cherries and asked if they go in the fridge or the freezer, and he thanked me again for "spottin him that pint", then headed for the door. Before he left he said;

"One more thing; could'ja do me another favor an write me a letter to the lectric company. I's $29.19 short this month on the light bill cuz I was sick lass month an had to spend money on cough'n cold medicine an I need to tell em I'll pay it back next time. You know, for January's bill. See really I's jus drinkin on that moo moo an spent all my money on it. I can't hardly see or spell to write somethin like at. I don't need it till tomorrow."

I told him that I would.

The letter went something like this:

To Whom it may concern,


Due to sickness and the associated expenses this payment is incomplete by the sum of $29.19. This amount will be paid along with the January 2011 bill as a past due amount.


Regretfully,

The next day he came over for the note. Clearly impressed with the typed letter, Lee said

"Thanks Jeel. Printed an all. Jew eat some uh them cherries?"

I told him that I hadn't since he said they wouldn't be "cured" for another day or so, and he said;

"Well hell, Jeel! You never do what I say till now! I'd been into'em already"

final countdown

Where to begin, where to begin?

When Lee moved into the house across the street he prefaced the pleasantries of introductions with a numerical countdown of days till he became a millionaire.

"Three hundred eighty-six more days uh this an I'll be outta here!"

I didn't know what he meant, but assumed it related to his condition of being home all the time without a car, subsiding on government food vouchers, and talking about magical orbs and spirits.
As time elapsed Lee's countdown decreased, and he explained that he would be entitled to his millions when George W Bush was no longer president. When the figure dropped below three digits I realized that it was, in fact a countdown till inauguration day; Jan 20th 2009.

After returning to Knoxville from my extended Christmas vacation I was shocked and alarmed to realize how low the countdown had dwindled. Jason and I had always chalked it up to fantasy; assuming that something would happen before the day arrived, but here we were, just days till inauguration. I decided that I would be gone that day, but the days leading up to the 20th were so uneventful I forgot to take precautions.

When the day arrived Fox and I watched the ceremonial preparations unfold on television, and occasionally glanced across the street to check Lee's status.

The only thing I noticed was an array of unfamiliar vehicles arriving and departing from the house. Lee didn't leave his house for quite a few days surrounding the 20th, which wasn't uncommon. He normally sleeps till noon, so it's possible that he leaves his house after I go to bed.

The next weekend Jason had some friends over to play music. I guess Lee suspected a party was going on so he came over with his standard mason jar of moonshine and a miniscule joint. He seemed pretty lit when he arrived, and after watching the guys play three or four songs he began asking me to google stuff for him. First he asked me to look up something regarding orb manifestations in photographs, then a ranch on the Comanche reservation in Texas, and finally the 2009 Ford dually F-350 crew cab truck. He kept making commands like, "type one in that has black interior", and "how much more is it to get REAL big speakers? I mean NICE."

I was going to explain that it wasn't possible to refine such a search, but after a couple of attempts I decided it was easier to just make up figures based on my own estimates. As soon as we had found a suitable image he said "Jill go get Dan an tell him to come over here an look at dis truck. He don't believe me when I tell him I'm gettin one. I'm makin a call tuh Lance Cuttingham an I'm gettin one uh them Monday morning. Jus wait. Tell 'em to git over here an look!"

Lee said this in a way that concluded that after seeing a picture of a truck on the internet, Dan would believe him.

Dan and the rest of the guys were in the middle of a song, so I told Lee that I would show it to him after they finished.

"He's jus right there! Jus tell em tuh look!" Lee griped in a too loud for inside voice, pointing.

I told Lee that it would be ridiculous to interrupt a band to show a guy (who couldn't care less) a picture of a truck on the internet. "I'm sure Dan knows what a new Ford F-350 looks like", I said.

"Yeah, but not like mine. Mine's gonna be top uh thu line!" Lee said dreamily.

I didn't even touch that one. I just walked away from the computer and ended the session.


Needless to say Monday came and went with no new truck. The countdown seemed to come and go, too, till the other night when Lee asked me to look up some other nonsense on the computer.

He started rambling on about someone trying to cheat him out of his money. I asked what he was going to do about it, and he said "I don't know yet. I'm gonna have to watch NCIS tomorrow night to see if I have to go out to the desert or not"

I asked him if he was referring to a television show, and he said "Yeah. See they talk to me an tell me stuff in code. Military stuff."

11/1/2008 Yesterday with Lee

After four days passed without seeing hide nor hair of my otherwise "in your face" neighbor Lee, I became concerned that he was in some sort of trouble. Fox and I went outside for our morning frolic and after digging in the sandbox for thirty or so minutes, we drifted into Lee's yard and made lots of noise.
Within thirty seconds Lee appeared in the doorway looking puffy and grey.
I told him that we wondered where he had been and if he was sick, and he said "Naw, I ain't been sick or nuthin. I've jus got heartache cuz a this girl a-mistreatin her little 10 year old son here at my house"

I have heard about this woman before.
Her son was born with some sort of thrush condition and was unable to nurse. Lee said he went fifteen days without breast feeding after he was born, then finally he took the baby to his grandmother who diagnosed the problem and immediately corrected it. That's the history from Lee's end.
So now, ten years later the baby has grown into a boy and the mother accepts no responsibility for the child's behavior or discipline. She verbally and physically abuses him and pushes him around, ignores him by shutting him up in his room with a video game console. Worst of all, she is trying to have the child diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder so she can involve him in an experimental drug study entitling her to compensation for his participation.
Lee has to censor the mother every time she comes by his house (to smoke or drink moonshine) by ordering her to stop abusing her son on the grounds that "I [Lee] don't allow NO fightin in my house cuz it's a sacred place"

That is some depressing stuff to be around! I completely understand why he feels so bad! He said he wanted to stop seeing this woman and forbid her from coming to his house, but he can't bear the thought of not being able to see the kid.

Fox and I sat and drank coffee with Lee for a half hour or so while discussing this issue (I drank coffee. Fox did not) and the conversation moved to happier topics. Lee was happy that his check was "a-comin tomorrow", and in an attempt to relate I added "Yeah- it's a good thing we get paid tomorrow too! We're nearly broke at the end of the month"
Although this statement was fundamentally true it was unnecessarily dramatic. We have a tight budget with little deviation. At the end of the month we sometimes have less that $100 in the checking account, but we are prepared and aware, so it's no big deal. No one has starved yet.
Lee proceeded to pull boxes of cereal and crackers from his cupboard and pile them into a plastic bag. He handed them to me and said "Lass month I got all this buy one get one free an now I'm sick of um so you take em"
The more I refused the more desperate Lee perceived me as. Finally he said "Girl, jus take em! I ain't gonna eat em!"
All of the boxes were unopened and had sharp corners, so I took them home, but before I left Lee exclaimed "Oh Yeah! An I got somethin else for ya!"

He reached in the freezer and pulled out a mason jar of amber tinted moonshine, opened it and poured two little shots. Then he poured half of it into a Dr. Enough bottle and handed it to me along with the shot.
I glanced at the digital clock on Lee's microwave and it was 10:42am. He handed me the big shot and I insisted we trade. I drank it and Lee explained; "this is scotch flavored moonshine. When they make it they use a certain kinda bark at the end to give it the flavor an color"
I agreed that it was very scotchy and that it would be perfect with a smoke, then adjourned across the street to my yard.
About thirty minutes later as I was giving Fox a snack Lee knocked on the door. He held out a white envelope, shoving it into my hand and mumbling something. I asked him what it was and he said "jus read it!!"
I came back inside and emptied the contents of the envelop onto the table. There was a rubber change purse crammed full of coins, mostly pennies, a note, five rolled tobacco cigarettes, and a government issue "food stamps" debit card.
The letter instructed me to go to the store, purchase a bag of potatoes using the debit card which held a balance of $2.75, the change which totaled around 85 cents, and my own money, then we would "split the spuds".
I suddenly realized that I was on the receiving end of Lee's charity.
I loaded Fox up and headed across the street to see if Lee wanted to ride to the store and get some potatoes.

We drove to the Grocery Outlet and bought a bag of potatoes which I contributed $2.05 towards. As soon as we got back Lee split them into two bags and told me that he was going to cook supper for Jason, Fox and I. I agreed and asked what I could do.
About 40 minutes later Lee showed up with a bowl of home fries wrapped in newspaper. He said "eat some now an save the rest for supper"
As soon as Jason got home from work Lee started bringing food over to my table including salmon cakes, fried okra, and cornbread. It was really good and I was happy not to have to cook supper.
After we ate Lee cleared the table of his pots and dishes, went home and we got Fox to bed. As Jason and I settled in to watch our new favorite show, Fringe, Lee knocked on the door. He wanted Jason to find out if "that spray chemical stuff, Free Breeze wuz on the stock market"
Neither of us had ever heard of a company called Free Breeze, so we just started googling.
Lee explained "it's like an air freshener spray, an they make candles, too"
"Febreeze!" I decoded.
"Yeah! That's whut I said" hollered Lee.
I said "I'm sure it's owned by Johnson Wax or Proctor and Gamble if you look on the stocks"
Shaking his head widely from left to right, Lee mouthed the word "ME" while pointing at himself repeatedly.
"I own that chemical! I bought it in Arizona right after them chemists made it on accident! I know it's doing real good cuz there's a commercial on for it almost every break!"
Jason and I didn't dare look at each other for fear of an explosion of laughter. Jason fiddled around a little bit more on the internet and then lamented that he wasn't able to get any stock information. Our dumb TV show was on and we were really trying to pay attention to it rather than focus on the ridiculousness Lee was talking.
As soon as Lee left we decided to try and diagnose Lee's condition using Wikipedia. The best explanation is he is suffers from psychosis with periods of mania.

8/29/2008 Assault, Dissoultion, retreat

The night before last Jason and his friends were having practice in our back room in preparation for a wedding gig this weekend when Lee's lumbering frame appeared in the back door jamb. Our back room is perpetually under construction and the back door leading outside from this forbidden room is crumbling and totally unsafe for passage. But there he was with a mason jar of moonshine in one hand and a one hitter in the other. The song came to a close, and Lee offered his usual verbal greeting, then his substance offering of pot and booze. Some obliged and some didn't, and then he turned to me and screamed a birthday wish at me, then shoved a mysterious quart-sized jar of a brownish liquid in my hand. I thanked him and asked how he was doing, and he proceeded to pass around a People magazine opened to an ad for Oral-B toddler toothpaste with a Thomas the Train motif.

As I examined the picture Lee victoriously told me that that was "one uh his boys by that girl", and explained that "sheeze got em a workin for thu toothpastes company AN for that puppet-train company, too so eeze a-gettin paid two times!"

I choked back an infinite geyser of laughter and snide comments and said, "Cute! I think he has your brow"

Lee said "WELL HELL YEAH he does! He looks jus like me when I wuz that size! Ain't he clean?! That woman sure keeps em clean. I LIKE that."

Again, I held back my inner jerk and commented on the child's cleanliness, unsure of how long I was going to be able to maintain the charade.

This Lee/Jill dialog, by the way, was at full, party time volume, and Lee was gesturing and engaging the others by passing the magazine around, fishing for affirmation which no one else was giving. This situation comes rather frequently, I have noticed. Me and Lee. Somehow I am there listening to his stories about test tube babies, beating up the president, lassoing a jet and riding it to the moon etc... And I am forced by my own social structure to respond! I can't just stand there. I can't ignore him! I can't change the subject! It is like I am imprisoned by thick walls of lies reinforced by more lies. I find myself immersed in Lee's fantasy to an uncomfortable degree.

So Lee was demanding total attention of every person in the room, and when they started practicing again, Lee started talking louder. Jason's cousin Jon left, and as soon as he did I picked up the bass and began playing just to remove myself from the "Lee camp".

He persisted by standing in between everyone and talking, holding the magazine in front of everyone's faces, and trying to lure them individually with topics Lee knew would interest them. It was god-awful. Somehow I elevated myself to a far away place and drowned out the sound of his voice with my own god-awful bass picking.

I finally opened my eyes to see that Lee had leaned the magazine ad on the window sill and was in a lunge formation with his face nearly touching the page. He was like that for at least 30 seconds.

Soon afterwards he left, presumably because no one wanted to listen to him talking about somebody else's baby in a magazine ad. It was awful.

The other day my friend Audry came over to pick me up and Lee intersected us at the mailbox, and started talking about his desire to "get outta here an do sum travilin!"

Already in the car and buckled in, I said "That's a good idea, Lee. There's no reason why you shouldn't travel since you live alone. I would if I were you."

Then Lee said "Hell Jill, I can't take you too. I mean, you're married an you got that kid an all! I can't take you with me! You're cute an all but I jus can't!"

He walked backwards towards his house with a pained look on his face, maintaining semi-eye contact and mumbling. As soon as we pulled out Audry started with the questions.