1/7/2008 Marlboro Man

When we moved to Knoxville the guy who lived in the house across the street from us freaked us out a bunch and we avoided him for the first three months or so. He was from Ohio and had a strange, hard to understand accent, and he had a lap dog named Jefferson who he spoke to as if there were a conversation going on. He drove a bright red Mazda Miata convertible with the top down all year long. I'm not sure if the thing even had a top, but it did have a special safety seat for Jefferson, a Yorkie Terrior who also wore protective eye and head gear when traveling.
Mr. Belt was a self-proclaimed preacher who traveled the United States hosting tent revivals and visiting congregations. He raised four kids in this fashion. Evidently he had a hand full of cities he made rounds to each year and then spent whatever remaining time he had in Ohio. When we caught wind that he was a preacher we became momentarily concerned, but after hearing him sing songs about how much he liked fat women's asses and about how he first got drunk at age 5 we decided that we really liked the man. Not only was he a roving preacher but he was able to work on fancy imported cars, play the guitar and sing, paint portraits and mixed media landscapes using dog hair and astro-turf, sculpt naturalistic statues and make them into water fountains, all while doing residential painting jobs! It took us a long time to realize what an awesome neighbor we had, but we eventually did.
Unfortunately in the height of out obsession with Preacher Belt he informed us that he was going to be moving to be closer to his family in Ohio. We were devastated! We thought about all of the time we had wasted assuming Preacher Belt was a douche and cursed ourselves for being so close minded. We had just scraped the tip of the iceberg with him and he was leaving! Jason was anticipating playing music with him, and I was looking forward to all of the art-related fun the future held for the two of us. And he also had a wonderful "old lady" named Sandra who really loved Fox... Heartbreaking.

The house sat empty for a few months before the landlord made his way to assess what needed to be fixed after the 10 year residence of the Belts. After a couple more months the house was spruced up and ready to be rented again and that's when Lee entered our lives. Our good friend and neighbor Karen told us that she knew our Lee through her nephew, but had just really met him when he came to look at the place. We asked her what he was like and she said "he seems nice enough; he will talk your ear off if you let him, and he told me that he was the Marlboro Man". And that's all she really said about him. The Marlboro Man?? What the hell? Didn't the Marlboro Man die of cancer? My curiosity peaked.

Finally,one night after coming home late to a house of drunken boy-men, I had the pleasure of meeting Lee. The situation was extremely confusing and I sensed that my friends were restraining themselves. Lee introduced himself and we exchanged pleasantries; I said "it's nice to finally meet you, Lee", and he said "What's up, sister!". I caught the tail end of a conversation about a vision quest just before Lee went home. As soon as he was gone the events of the night were summed up for me: Lee came over after hearing people playing music at our house, they drank a lot of beer, Lee invited everyone over to his yard to smoke out of his peace pipe, then he showed off his home made motorized bike he had made out of a scooter frame and an old chain saw motor.The "Lee Rider". He wasn't able to fashion a choke for this hybrid so the thing was either 'ON' with the wheels spinning as fast as the chain on a chain saw, or it was 'OFF'. Jason asked if he could ride it and Lee said "Aw man, you can't really ride it. The engine isn't attached to the frame and it'll fall off". Jason said there was a two by four bolted onto it. Why would you build a bike you couldn't really ride? I guess to show off while you're drinking in your yard.?

We hadn't made up our minds yet. What was up with Lee?
About this time we were getting ready for the Christmas vacation and were planning on being out of town for a few weeks. Normally we would have asked Preacher Belt to keep and eye on the place and leave him a key incase of an emergency, but we weren't quite ready to hand over a key to Lee. Jason talked to him the day we left and just told him that we were going to be out of town "for a while" and "could be back tomorrow, or a week from tomorrow; we just didn't know yet".
When we returned from Asheville and pulled into our driveway, there was Lee. He assured us that our house was perfectly safe and that he had walked around it a couple of times each day to make sure no one had busted any windows out or anything like that. He welcomed us back and gave Fox a lollipop that looked like it had gone through the wash. We thanked him and saved it for later.
The next day Jason was working on the house and Lee walked over to observe. He said "I know a guy who is so good at renovating houses that this would be done in one day!". Jason said "where is that guy?".
Lee invited Jason to come over and look at some photos he had taken of mysterious orbs he had witnessed, and of course Jason couldn't refuse. The pictures were eight by ten blown up images of dust specks and debris on image negatives. Lee had circled and traced some of the faces he saw in the 'orbs'. One of the pictures was of a man's leg and the smudge in question was in the shape of a small figure clinging to the dude's ankle. Lee said that he and his buddies had gone on a beer run and when they were getting back into their car he spotted a strange, glowing figure on the dash board, and when he said "what the hell is that shit?" his buddies had no idea what he was referring to and clearly weren't able to see it.
When he got to the door Lee saw the figure again on the steering wheel and saw that it was a gargoyle type figure with wings and a hypodermic needle in one hand. Then it disappeared and they all boarded the craft. On the ride back one of the passengers yelled out in pain and said that something had stabbed him in the leg. They pulled over and examined his leg which had a red abrasion and had began turning black. By the time they got home his entire leg had turned black, and his sock and shoe, too (?). Six months later he was dead.
Jason didn't really know what to say about that story, other than something like "yeah- you gotta watch out for those ghouls", to which Lee replied "Man I've been saved and I don't have to worry about them messin with me cause no demon can touch me!!!". This segued into another conversation about a Shaman Lee knows who is able to "talk to them demons 'n devils just like the Pope does." Again, Jason didn't know how to reply so he just went along with it like he knew what he was talking about. Lee said that the Pope talks to demons in the same way Shamen do. Then he started talking about the Lord, then Vietnam and how he flew helicopters during combat when he was 15 years old. He said "man, I killed a lot of people but I didn't feel bad. If someone came in front of me I just shot em down. Once I had to beat up George W Bush"(????).
And he was kidnapped by a Marine.
And he just turned 50.
That means he couldn't have flown at 15 during vietnam, not that we needed a hole in his evidence, but just to know if he cares about his "stories" lining up with reality.
Although he seems to be a fantasy-oriented guy, I don't think Lee is dangerous, but I don't think he has a myspace account, either I hope. He is kinda nice to be around especially if you enjoy listening. I don't mind if a person tells wild stories purely for their enjoyment of the tale. Maybe he considers himself an artist. Surely there's some truth laced around those stories but I am OK with not knowing where. I wouldn't ask him to babysit Fox or anything but I think he is going to be a lot of fun to have as a neighbor.