5/15/2008 Wizard Hat Attack

Last weekend I had a booth at a super cool South Knoxville celebration called Vestival. The week before I was busting my ass sewing sun dresses by the dozen when my neighbor, Lee showed up at the door. He seemed to be stopping by just to say hi, but as soon as he saw that I had sewing stuff in my hand he began some bizarre "pitch" regarding his own invention, The Wizard Hat.

"Oh yeah man I've done sold three or four uh these hats to my buddies, I've just gotta make em sall"

Lee showed me his prototype Wizard Hat which he had safety pinned together "sows I can take it partn copy the pattern and make a whole bunch uv um".

The pattern consisted of a piece of brightly colored, printed fabric with repeating rainbows, fairies, and butterflies folded in half, then cut at an 60 degree angle and pinned together. The result was a cross between a klan member's hood and a dunce hat. Oh yeah. And it was lined with a cut off sweat pant leg because "it's sumthin you can wear all year long", explained Lee. I thought, "yeah, all year starting after the next ice age". "They's clean sweats!" He added. Whenever someone assures me of something's cleanliness I can't help but doubt.

I agreed to try to sew the seam in Lees sample hat, but explained that I was very busy with my own projects, and that I am unable to work when Fox is awake. That means that I have around three work hours each day. Lee said, "whenever you gettaroun to it. How about I cut out the patterns an yew sew em an you can sell em at that festival for $10 a piece and split the profit?"

Again, I told Lee that as irresistible of an offer that was, I had more projects of my own than I have time to finish as it is but I would try to sew up his sample.

The next morning around 9:15 Lee knocked on my door with a big, plastic WalMart bag full of fabric and sweat pant legs.

"Oh Shit", I thought. He was in a hurry and explained that the fabric inside the bag was for the hats I was going to make.

The fabric was cheap-o Walmart stuff, and there were three types. Camo, rainbow, and purple skull and crossbone. Hurriedly Lee described another Wizard Hat he had made with "puff balls and a whistle at the end". I was imagining a camo Wizard hat with those adornments and remarking about how bad it looked in my mind when I reminded Lee that I had plenty to do to get ready for the weekend. Offended, he said "You'd sell more uh these hats than THEM dresses!" I told him that he might be right, but making dresses was my thing, NOT making wizard hats that make a person look like an ass hole. He turned around and left leaving the bag with me.

The next night I had a couple of folks over to eat supper with me and as sure as Christ died, Lee nonchalantly arrived and asked me for a col'beer. I had already told my friends about the Wizard Hat Attack, so when Lee brought it up Emily suggested that he sew his own damn hats. Lee replied "Hell no I ain't gonna do that shit; SHE is" (pointing to me). Emily proceeded to tell him all of the many reasons why it didn't make sense for me to produce his hats, and gradually he began lightening up about it.

He drank about six beers that night that my friends had brought, and he didn't talk to me for a couple of days afterwards, but eventually he came around.

I still have that horrific bag of fabric and I can't decide how to return it to him without salting the wound. I am going to the beach next week and feel like I should return it before I go. Any ideas?